I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
