Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
