my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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