so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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