fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
In other news, I just burned my penis
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
