I will die if light touches me.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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