I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Randomize
