Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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