Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
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THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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