Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
