I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
