Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
