Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
