I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
