Everything about him screamed your future.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
