at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
