I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
