Umm I'm too high to move.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
