If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
