I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
