i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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