nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
