He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
