Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
