Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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