dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
