Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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