Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
