Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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