You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just pee around me
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
