ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
