i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
