mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
