We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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