i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
