I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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