i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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