2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
