my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
