please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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