I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
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He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
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Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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