she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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