I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
