the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
