The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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