new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
