Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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