Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Randomize
