Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
