I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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