If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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