that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
