My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
The uberlube is also flammable
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Randomize
