if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I wish my penis had an off switch
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
