Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Randomize
