Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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