Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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