My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
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Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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