What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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