I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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