i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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