Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Randomize